Life has been really... complicated lately. I've been feeling even worst these past couple of weeks, so I'm hoping to get back on my medicine soon. Taylor and I seem to argue about something everyday, but it's usually over small things and we move on from the arguement. I can understand why though. Sometimes we don't listen to eachother and other times we've just been talking for too much so we get on eachothers nerves. All that matters is that we solve our problems and still love eachother at the end of the day.

I guess me feeling suicidal lately is my own fault. I need to learn how to control my emotions more and force my mom to get me on some drugs because I havn't been trying hard enough. That and something bad happened on tuesday. I found out that my aunt, Susan, died monday to tuesday night. Not sure what exact day or time. My grandmother was crying and cleaning the entire day, my mom was on the couch or downstairs with my grandmother, and I was on the phone with Taylor trying to forget about it. It doesn't feel like she's dead unless I talk about it, so even thinking about it briefly does little to me. It's when I think of how similar and close we were untill she started getting really sick. She had kidney failure and heart problems. Probably even more things that I never bothered to ask about. I remember that the last time I saw her was in the summer when I went to the hospital with my grandmother. She was so miserable that day. I really wish I could have seen her again.
They told me that previously she had a heartattack and had to be revived, which succeeded the first time. This time, she was having trouble sleeping. Her blood pressure was low and she told my grandmother to call 911. When my grandmother was talking to them, my aunt stopped breathing. They couldn't revive her this time.
She's getting cremated, or she already is. We're putting her in an above ground vault that has my grandfather's body in it. My grandmother, when she dies, is going to be put there too. My mother wants to get cremated too, but I keep insisting that when she does, I want her ashes to make a little shrine for her.

What really sucks is that I found out my aunt died the day before Taylor's and mine one year. I still went over, I really needed to be with him, and spent almost 12 hours at his house. We played monopoly, watched tv, danced without music, cuddled, cute couplely things, and his parents ordered a cake for us. It was sweet. I havn't been able to get his gift yet due to family issues, but it's around 80 bucks, so I think it'll be okay. He already knows that it's the Halo Wars Special Edition game that he's been begging for lately.(Not for me to get it though. He wants it, but is completely against me getting it for him. Too bad for him that he has no say in this.) He got me a pilates book and mat, which I'm absolutely thrilled about. I love Pilates and the mat is purple with light purple designs, so I'm happy.

I was tramatised yesterday though. I had to go to the dentist because the dentist was sick the day I had my cleaning. I found out I need two sealents(sp?) replaced and two cavities filled. It's been years and years since my last cavity, so I thought nothing of it. No, I didn't remember that they were going to stick needles in my mouth. It hurt like a bitch and I hate novicane. My mouth was numb for hours on my right side(I got to choose which one to fill this appoint) and my mouth was swollen. I hate the dentist now. He used to be all nice, but now he causes me pain. And yes, I know I'm bitching about it and I shouldn't be on here, but it's just bugging me. I needed rant >< I guess the only good thing is that after I got to go to Barnes and Noble and get Mein Kampf(y chair). Yay Hitler XD

Anywho, whoever read this entire thing deserves a feature, so leave a comment and I'll choose maybe one or two of your deviations(you can suggest it) and I'll put it in my next journal. Sound good? Awsome.

Also, my critique service is still up. I was on a roll last night(yes, I know I did a few typos, I'll use spellcheck next time ><, and I can't wait to do more!

Well, that's all for now. How have you guys been?

Michelle